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About Varied / Student Member Tim Huynh Le25/Male/United States Recent Activity
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A couple weeks ago, I had some suicidal thoughts. I'd been watching stuff that took some very depressing turns, been told how pathetic and useless I was from people I thought were supposed to love me unconditionally but had done such things throughout my life, worried for the same people because of how helpless we were in this economy, worried for my own future... It all just... crushed me in an instant, and the thoughts came. Before, I could just rationalize it all away, how much trouble it would cause others, how much I didn't actually want to die, how much I wanted to do.

Not this time. It took every ounce of my willpower just to repeat "No" to myself, over and over.

I finally calmed, but knowing it was taking a turn for the worse, I started to call friends. second one down the alphabetical list, I called AdventFalls. He was about to go for a haircut, but he said he'd run straight over afterwards.

5 minutes later, he showed up at my door, telling me he skipped the haircut and was gonna call the police.

He did the best thing anyone could have done for me, I think. They evaluated me at the emergency center, and while they were sure I wasn't quite ready to off myself, they were worried that I knew exactly where every knife was in the house, as well as my multitudes of swords. So they recommended I stay over a few days at the Crisis Care center down the block. Not exactly a mental ward: More like... a frat house of individuals with troubles on a variety of things. individual sessions, group therapy and outings, regular meals and curfews to help us get back on our feet, it was great.

A week later, while I was still there, my family finally broke the news that my grandfather had a stroke the day after I was admitted, and was dying. My coping skills were immediately put to the test. I certainly didn't handle the news well at first, but I came to accept that it wasn't my fault, that whatever cosmic forces were at work weren't punishing me for putting my already fragile mom through the thought she was gonna lose her son, or my dad, who really did sacrifice so much for me.

It was still painful to be the last of the family to touch my grandfather's coffin to push it into the cremation oven.

It's hard, trying to remind myself that I'm better than what others have made me believe of my own worth. That the thoughts of my own inability are not my own, but years worth of reinforced beliefs of my worth from my family. That I am capable of much more.

I look around here on Deviant Art, and I am still afraid just how far can I actually go. Beautiful 3D models that far outshine mine, paintings far more realistic or surreal than mine, drawings that perfectly capture life itself as opposed to my very Manga-esque style. My music which is Nowhere near as complex or moving as anyone else's. Videos that aren't as epic as others.

I'm still scared of my own ineptitude. I can't see past the obvious comparisons still. I can't move to think to try and better myself.

Because part of me wonders if I can ever move. I'm still afraid.

I have to move past it. I know what is causing me this anguish. I have to move forward.

I am still scared.
  • Mood: Insecure
  • Watching: My Little Monster
  • Playing: GW2, Warframe, Vindictus

Journal History


OrangeSbr's Profile Picture
Tim Huynh Le
Artist | Student | Varied
United States
I’m a college student in the DC metro area, studying game design at George Mason University. I write stories and draw manga-influenced art whenever I’ve got free time. That is, if I’m not captivated by anime, manga or games, which along with music, inspire my creativity.

I haven’t taken any actual classes for art: almost everything I’ve learned I got from “How to” books, particularly Manga Mania: How to Draw Japanese Comics by Christopher Hart, or more recently, by just drawing. In terms of digital coloring, I have lately been tinkering around more in Photoshop.

Outside of my hobbies of drawing, anime, manga and games, I am also a second-degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do, and practice the katana on my own. I also dabble with my guitar from time to time. Recently, I started running original setting pen-and-paper roleplay games with friends, as well.

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Plaguey Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
Thanks for the fave
r0b3375 Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Saidge42 Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2014

:iconthankyouscript1::iconthankyouscript2::iconthankyouscript3: :iconbigfav4plz:     :iconfavesmile:

OrangeSbr Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2014  Student General Artist
You're quite welcome ^^
zaENDle Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2014  New member Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you so much for the llama :D
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static--death Featured By Owner May 28, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
Thanks so much for the favorite!!! :icondurrhurrplz:

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OrangeSbr Featured By Owner May 28, 2014  Student General Artist
You're quite welcome, and thanks for taking the time to swing by my page ^^
Saidge42 Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2014

:iconthankyouscript1::iconthankyouscript2::iconthankyouscript3: :iconbigfav4plz: :iconfavesmile:

OrangeSbr Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2014  Student General Artist
You're quite welcome, and thanks for taking the time to stop by my page ^^

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